Sunday, June 5, 2011

Casual sex or meaningful relationship?

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According to the New York Times, a new sexual revolution was afoot back in 2005. Apparently the year marked the beginning of "a fast-and-loose generation nurtured on the wisdom of 'Sex and the City,' who see boyfriends as passé, dating as dated and the idea of commitment laughable." They were the new breed of women who didn't wait on Friday nights for a man to call, weren't afraid to make the first move and would happily date "two or three guys simultaneously". And we applauded them big time.

But fast-forward to today and it seems the men have gotten a little bored of such open sexuality. Yep, what was once titillating and exciting has become a little drab and even - gasp - unappealing. Because according to Ariel Levy, now that sex and one-night stands are proffered up so willy-nilly by modern women, men have lost the thrill of the hunt. They've clocked up enough one-nighters and they're tired of it. One gent polled by Levy even goes so far as to call women who bed-hop "unappealing and really unsexy. Pathetic, actually."

While his words might seem a little strong, it seems he's not the only one thinking it. The other night I bumped into a single gent at a hip club who cornered me to garner some advice, or rather to natter on about his singlehood adventures in the abundant land of hook-ups and casual liaisons ...

"I've hooked up with someone every night for the last five weeks," he gloated. I looked at him quizzically. "Okay, I meant every weekend," he quickly retorted. "But it's just so easy. Sometimes these women will even pay for the cab back to my place. We do our thing and then they leave without even asking me for my number."

I asked him if it would be different with someone he might think there's actually potential for a future with. He thought for a moment and then answered with a resounding yes. "If I'm really interested in them, I'd want to get to know them better first. It would be different. It would be more of a courting process. Although I do like to get the sex bit out of the way pretty early on."

A plethora of books aimed at women teaching them how to successfully "hook up" with men sans emotional attachment doesn't seem to be doing us much good either. We've seen everything from the "The Hookup Handbook" to "How To Date Like A Man", and are encouraged by girlfriends to clock up sexual encounters rather than to watch for the tick-tock of the biological clock.

But all this has many wondering: are women who are hooking up ruining their chances at a serious relationship?

Perhaps. I noticed this after a girlfriend recounted an experience she had the other night that had her mightily flummoxed. "It was our third date and I suggested we share a cab after our date and hinted that I didn't have anything to do the next day so we could sleep late," she told me. But she said that no matter how much she pushed, she didn't get the amorous response she was hoping for. Instead, he responded with something she didn't think she'd ever hear from the mouth of a red-blooded bloke. "I really like you so I don't see why we have to rush things," he had told her earnestly. Suffice to say he didn't call her after that.

It seems double dating standards are flying around faster than a singleton on a speed date. One minute women are complaining men are only after one thing, and the next they're surprised when he doesn't want to do the hanky panky on the first date. So what's going on?

Perhaps Levy has a point. Perhaps men these days are not like they used to be. Perhaps with women being so aggressively open about everything from their bedroom prowess to their favourite sexual positions (all on the first date), men really have lost the power of the hunt and hence are retaliating by keeping their legs shut, or losing respect for a woman who doesn't do the same.

So what's a gal to do? Quit the casual stuff? Hold out a little longer if she's really that into him? Or maybe do what the blokes do start attempting to hold out a little longer ... at least until the fourth date ...

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